Everything I Never Got to Say
by MoreThanJustAPieceInTheirGames
Summary: In one final letter, Finnick writes to Annie, telling her everything he wishes he could have said but never got a chance to.


My Annie,

There are no words possibly sufficient enough to tell you how sorry I am. Knowing we are in two different worlds now, that we can't spend the rest of our lives together, is more painful than dying ever was. I'd take that pain a million times over if it meant coming back into your arms for just one more minute. Before I even left 13, I knew there were slim chances of me ever returning to you, and walking down that hallway was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Every step I took was painful, knowing it took me that much farther away from you. Each time I took a breath was agonizing, knowing it was just one more second without you by my side.

I miss everything about you. The way you smell, the way your hair glints when the light catches it just right, those freckles that only I will ever be close enough to see, to kiss, to love. People always said you were mad, but we both knew that wasn't true. You suffered things those monsters in the Capitol will never even begin to fathom, and each hardship and scar left on you was just another part of you to love and to cherish. I miss those parts every minute of every hour of every day, and I don't think there's a moment that I'll truly stop missing them.

There's a story my mom used to tell me. It was about how a seaman fell in love with an enchanting mermaid, and though they were truly in love, they couldn't be together because the sea separated them. It reminds me of us, and how a lifetime is separating us and how, really, the odds never were in our favor. But just like the seaman and the mermaid, we'll be together after this life, in a place where everything can be good again.

That moment in the tunnels, right before the mutts were set on us, I thought about one thing, and that was when we were reunited in 13. I'd never been so happy in my entire life, because the previous few months had been tragic – it was hard to eat, to live, to breathe not knowing what was happening to you. But once I had you in my arms, and we spun around and looked into each other's eyes as if there were no other people in the world, I was drunk and so dizzy with happiness. And right after the mutts attacked and as Katniss activated the Holo, I tasted our wedding cake, and I remembered the feeling of ours fingers entwined, and I felt our lips pressed together, and I smelled the saltwater of our home, where we spent those blissful few years.

Our time was far too short, my love, and these words will never be enough to express my eternal sorrow for not being with you right now. No matter what, I want you to know that I'm always with you. Not physically, maybe, but there is nothing in this world that can take our love away. Love knows no distance, no time, no boundaries, and ours will cross dimensions until we're reunited one day, and then we'll have the rest of forever to spend in each other's arms. I am always watching over you and our son – just know that a part of me lives on in him, and every morning when you look into his impossibly green eyes, a piece of my soul is staring back at you, with warmth and affection.

You are always in my thoughts, my darling. It's scary to imagine what comes after life ends, but this place is beautiful. It can be anything you want it to be, and surrounding you are all the people you ever loved. My mother is here, and Mags, and your parents and brother and sister. No more Games, no more tears, no more coldness. You have forever to explore and reminisce on the happier parts of your life and keep watch over the people you treasure who are still living. Just wait until you get here – we'll go back to our beach in District 4, where we can walk in the sea foam and collect shells and curl up together in front of the sunset. I can't think of anything better than you and me together, and I know it's selfish, but I can't wait to finish what we never really had the chance to begin.

That being said, live a fulfilling, happy life. I know there's never another man who could love you the way I did – the way I do – just like there's never another woman who could replace you. But I want you to live every second loving Finn and teaching him about the kind of love that we had. It's the kind of love you could cross mountains for, cross oceans for, take a knife for, and I want you to teach him about how his parents fought to make the world better for him. I know you'll do it, Ann. Teach him that he had a hell of a mother, the kind of woman who suffered so greatly but could live so deeply and love so passionately. Teach him the words of everyone who wanted to be in his life but couldn't, and make sure he knows that we can't wait to meet him one day. I never thought I could come even close to loving anyone or thing as much as I loved you, but when I watched you holding him in your arms, I was overwhelmed with how he filled in a piece of my heart I hadn't really known was even missing.

Teach him that's there's people here who love him so much, despite never being able to tell him. Most of all, teach him about the sufferings of the world he was brought into. He needs to know how valuable everything he has truly is. I want him to meet a girl someday, and I want him to fall in love and get married and spend the rest of his life with her, and I want him to know that that is something that we weren't able to have, something that so many people were unable to have. I want him to cherish it.

I can't wait to watch him grow up, my darling. I have utter faith that you'll raise him to be just as loving and strong as his parents, and I am so sorry I'll never be there to be the father and husband you both deserve. I just hope that every day when you see him, you see a person who embodies everything we ever felt for one another and everything we suffered and cried and fought to have. There are no apologies to suffice for the pain I know I've caused you and many others, but there are so many people still left who care for you. Johanna, Katniss, even Haymitch. Johanna will help you raise Finn and I'm sure she'll just love getting to expose him to her sarcastic and snarky sense of humor. Hopefully Katniss will one day get to meet our little boy and will not be afraid to let go of the past and look towards a brighter future. Just know that no matter how much you think you've lost, there will always be something left to pick you back up. At the end of the road, I'll be waiting for you, and no matter what happens, I'll be there to catch you in the very end.

Seeing your anguish over my death was so much worse than dying itself – the pain was heart wrenching – and knowing I could never reach out to comfort you with a caress or whisper had me in agony. Seeing you pick yourself up, though, to be strong for our son gave me hope that you recognize that there's always a part of me that is lying with you. Seeing you back in our home in District 4, wearing my clothes around the house and walking on the beach and hugging my pillow on our bed make my throat tighten in sadness. Our love was so deep and magical that every day with you felt like a thousand years, but I know it'll only seem like a day or two before we can see each other again. Everyone here is young, in their prime, and the sound of children's laughter and the squawk of gulls permeate the golden existence. Imagine a place where everything you ever lost is suddenly found and where your sadness no longer burdens you or brings you down. That is this place.

It was all worth it, though. Knowing our child and so many others can live in peace because of the sacrifices we made is well worth everything we lost. I can't imagine living in a world with no Games, and no fear of Reaping Day, and no fear of selling your body each night, and no fear of losing the woman you love. I'm glad our son won't have to suffer the fears we did, and I'm glad he'll be able to live in a world where life can be good again, for all people. I'm just so sorry for you and me. Despite what we both went through, I guess it wasn't just enough, but maybe that's because someone out there knew we were the strongest ones, knew we could handle being separated by something as quick as a lifetime.

Back in the Capitol, when I had to spend the night with all those people, when I knew a rebellion was brewing, each woman was just another step towards freedom and getting to live without any regret. I'm content now, knowing the rest of your life will be a safe one because of the sacrifices we all made. I know that neither of our existences will be perfect without the other one in it, but we both know that the day is coming when we will be together again, and until then, I know you'll do my memory, and that of Mags and our mothers and our families, justice by living each day with the freedom we all fought for.

I can't wait to watch Finn grow up. I can't wait to watch Katniss and Peeta start a family of their own and watch Johanna become Finn's favorite aunt and watch you learn to laugh and smile without me there and watch children not have to ever know what Reaping Day is and watch people rise out of the pain into a happier, freer life. Cherish all the memories we had together, Annie. Remember the time we sealed our lips with salt water and how we shoved wedding cake into each other's faces and how, when the nightmares began, we'd hold each other until the morning sun blazed on the horizon. Remember the secrets we'd tell each other in the dark hours of night and the silly wedding song all those children sang for us and how our whispers and caresses could bring us out of such gruesome places. Those times are the ones that keep me going, and I know they'll help you keep going, too. So don't be sad, darling. Treasure the life we had together and the one we'll continue soon.

There's a special spot in this place – a cove surrounded by rocks, where the waves glide and the gulls caw and everything is perfect. When I see it, I see you. I hear your laugh in the salty air and hear your voice across the water and see your gorgeous eyes in the murky sea. Whenever we're together again, I want to take you to this place, and I want to spend every single minute for the rest of forever telling you how much I love you, and how I could never stop loving you. This place is perfection, and you are my perfection, and you are my everything. I'm okay here, and I want to tell you that until I see you again, I will be constantly with you and with Finn.

When that time comes, I'll take you to the spot, and it'll become our spot. We'll see everyone we never got enough time with and we'll spend the rest of existence in each other's warm embrace. When it comes to you, there are no words, Annie, and no amount of time could possibly be enough. Keep writing to me, and know that I'm with you every step of the way. Our love is unwavering and forever, and it reminds me that even though we are separated, it will keep us together until we reunited.

Until then, my love.

Forever forever forever yours,

Finnick x


End file.
